The Greatest of These Is Charity

The current controversy regarding same-sex marriage is troubling. Some assert that same-sex marriages or civil unions ought to be both legal and accepted. Others argue that the traditional family and traditional marriage ought to be maintained. Feelings are deep. Both sides feel that their position is right. This controversy receives much publicity.

I confess that, until recently, my opinions were not well-founded. I likely made many thoughtless or inane comments, well-meaning but nevertheless thoughtless and inane. Most of what I knew about the subject of same sex attraction I had learned from reading the newspaper (not a good source for information) and an occasional article. I also knew what the scriptures teach and what Church leaders have taught.

I make no apology for what the scriptures teach and for what Church leaders have taught. I believe it to be the truth. I believe that homosexual acts are sinful. I also believe that adultery, fornication, viewing pornography, and other sexual aberrations are sinful. The law of chastity, as taught by the Church, is easy to understand: the only appropriate expression of sexual feelings is between a man and woman who are legally married.

Although I understood these things, there were many things I did not understand. I did not understand where such feelings come from. I did not understand how any such thing could be consistent with the Plan of our Father in Heaven. I could not reconcile the common assertion that some people are born “gay” with the teachings of the gospel. I did not understand that there is a difference between having feelings of same sex attraction and being “gay”.

In the last few years I have learned a lot. Ten years from now I hope to be able to look back and realize I have learned even more. What I have learned has changed my outlook on this subject considerably. I have learned that too much of this controversy forgets one very important fact: the people involved are all sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father.

Those who self-righteously condemn ought to remember the words of the Prophet:

“…being of very tender years, and persecuted by those who ought to have been my friends and to have treated me kindly, and if they supposed me to be deluded to have endeavored in a proper and affectionate manner to have reclaimed me…” (Pearl of Great Price | JS-History 1:28)

“And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.” (1 Corinthians 13:13)

For reasons not well understood, some people have feelings of sexual attraction towards others of the same gender. Some have estimated that 1-3% of Church members fall into this group. Often (perhaps most of the time), people who have these feelings cannot account for the source of these feelings. They cannot wish them away. They often feel shame and guilt and despair, because of the great discrepancy between the teachings of the Church and their own, most personal feelings.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks taught that the “words homosexual, lesbian, and gay are adjectives used to describe particular thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. We should refrain from using these words as nouns to identify particular conditions or specific persons. Our religious doctrine dictates this usage. It is wrong to use these words to denote a condition. Such usage implies that a person is consigned by birth to a circumstance in which he or she has no choice, with respect to the critically important matter of sexual behavior.” (See Dallin H. Oaks, “Same-Gender Attraction”, Ensign, October 1995, pp. 7-10)

The position of the Church in this matter is very clear. The prophets have taught, and continue to teach, that the only appropriate expression of sexual feelings is between a man and woman who are lawfully married.

It is true that the teachings of the Church in this matter are very clear. It is also true that for those who struggle with this issue, the feelings they have are very real.

Culturally, we have difficulty discussing this subject. Few of us know much about it. Some are prone to cover their ignorance with thoughtless comments, sometimes made in jest, which make light of the seriousness of the struggle. Some are equally vocal in condemning all who have these feelings, without regard to whether the strugglers act upon those feelings. These comments are hurtful to those who struggle with the problem, and confirm to them that the people around them do not understand their challenges and do not accept or love them.

What can a person do? The following suggestions come to mind:

1. Recognize that there is a difference between having feelings of same sex attraction and being “gay” or “lesbian”. A person may have inappropriate feelings of attraction and still be a good member of the Church. Only when a person decides to act out those feelings or adopt a lifestyle commonly referred to as “gay” or “lesbian” does that person’s conduct become sinful. Acting out such feelings is very similar to acting in response to other temptations: to view pornography, to be unfaithful to marriage vows, or to commit other moral transgressions.


2. Recognize that for those who struggle with this problem, the struggle is very real. All of us struggle with problems. We appreciate those who accept and encourage and love us, far more than those who criticize and belittle us. For the person who struggles with this problem, because the struggle is so personal and so fundamental to individual identity, he or she is reluctant to share that struggle with most people. Only when he or she feels that you can be trusted with this most personal information will there be a chance that you will be asked for help or support.

3. Cease making light of this issue. Refrain from making belittling comments regarding those who have these feelings, including those who have chosen to act upon them. Ask those who make such comments, even in jest, to refrain from doing so. Pray for charity and love for all, including those for whom this is a problem and those who choose to act upon those feelings.

4. Strive to make your ward, your quorum, your Relief Society, a safe and secure place. A person who struggles with this issue needs to feel that he or she belongs, that the Church is a place of love and support, that those who surround him/her can be trusted. We must never compromise our standards and our adherence to the law of chastity. We must also never be guilty of belittling or jesting or making fun of those for whom this is a serious matter.

The Image in the Mirror

One morning in my study I looked up the dictionary definition of the word "idol". I read:

Idol: L. Idolum, an image, form, specter, apparition; Gr. Eidolon, an image, a phantom;
1. An image of a god
2. Any object of ardent or excessive devotion
3a. An image or effigy
3b. (Obs) Anything that has no substance but can be seen, as a shadow or image in a mirror

Shortly after I read Alma 5:7:
"...he awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God."

Juxtaposed with:
"Anything that has no substance but can be seen, as a shadow or image in a mirror" or dream.

Now the hard question:
How much of what we pursue is an idol -- an image in a mirror or dream?

At one point in my life I wanted to be a partner in a big accounting firm. Even that goal was really just an image in a mirror or a dream. The problem (and we all do it) is that we strive for goals/ends that are measured by outward appearances (like the image in the mirror). In actuality, these situations cannot exist independently of our lives and the context of who we are, of our families, of all our other commitments and decisions. We are just chasing an image in the mirror. We can never be that image, because the image does not exist. The image is like the most complex character in all of literature, who still remains far less complex than the simplest of all human beings. The image is not real.

How much of what we pursue, how much of what we desire, is just an image in the mirror?

Emotional Health

I recently spent several days with my daughter, driving from Provo, Utah to Boston. Somewhere in Wyoming we began discussing what it means to be emotionally healthy. This discussion continued for several hours over the next 2 days. We explored questions of what are human emotions, what does it mean to be emotionally healthy, is there a difference between emotions and responses to emotions, and so forth. At one point in the discussion we even tried to list all of the human emotions we could think of. We considered whether we could group them by categories. We discussed what might be the opposite of charity. We tried to come to a conclusion as to what it means to be emotionally healthy.

Somewhere in Iowa or Wisconsin I finally came to the conclusion that emotional health consists of three things:

1. The ability to feel the full range of human emotions
2. The ability to acknowledge/express those emotions
3. The ability to act appropriately in response to those emotions.

The important word in #3 is "appropriately".

Perhaps my definition is elementary. So far, I have found it to be a useful working definition.

In passing (and unrelated), I have begun to wonder if charity isn't the most important and fundamental emotion. If the spectrum of emotional health were a sphere, then charity would be at one pole, and whatever is the opposite of charity would be at the other. Every other emotion would be found somewhere on a longitudinal line between charity and its opposite. Thus, the emotional spectrum would not be a line -- charity at one end and its opposite at the other -- but a sphere, with all human emotions somehow being tied into or being opposite charity. Certainly gratitude would likely be the emotion closest to charity in every direction.

Insights From Pres. Benson

Not to belabor the conference editions, but I am finding many of the sermons of Pres. Benson to be relevant. When I first heard/read them, I thought his focus was on teaching the Saints to read and study the Book of Mormon. Rereading them has focused me on what was probably the more essential message: repentance and conversion. The following are helpful additions to the collection:

Ensign, May 1988
Page 4 "The Great Commandment -- Love the Lord"
Page 51 "To the Single Adult Brethren of the Chruch"
Page 84 "Come unto Christ and Be Perfected in Him"

All are available here

On Meeting the Challenges of our Time

The following quotation is insightful (and the entire talk is good) -- available at the Church website, Gospel Library).

"Now, my beloved brethren and sisters, let us read the Book of Mormon and be convinced that Jesus is the Christ. Let us continually reread the Book of Mormon so that we might more fully come to Christ, be committed to Him, centered in Him, and consumed in Him.

"We are meeting the adversary every day. The challenges of this era will rival any of the past, and these challenges will increase both spiritually and temporally. We must be close to Christ, we must daily take His name upon us, always remember Him, and keep His commandments."
Ezra Taft Benson, “Come unto Christ,” Ensign, Nov. 1987, 85

More helpful conference talks

I found the following relevant. It is interesting to remember how much my life has been affected by these teachings, and to contemplate how much a person has missed who hasn't been exposed to them.

All are by Ezra Taft Benson, given while he was President.

"To the Home Teachers of the Church", Ensign, May 1987, 48
"The Book of Mormon -- Keystone of our Religion", Ensign, November 1986, 4

They can be found at the Church website, Gospel Library.

Some Thoughts About Treatment

As I have learned about SSA, I have discovered three different approaches. All three seem to address specific needs of the person who struggles with this issue.

Reparative Therapy: Developed by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi and other clinicians, this approach describes a process of emotional detachment by a struggler, in which he successively detaches himself emotionally from father, from same sex peers, and from his masculine attributes. He fails to develop perceived male characteristics, struggles to develop the capacity to form meaningful and healthy relationships with other men, and begins to sexualize his emotional deficits. The treatment includes education, focused work on developing relationships with other men, learning to develop perceived masculine skills, breaking down the perceived mystique of manhood, and helping the man to learn that developing his masculinity is a process, not an event. (This description hardly does justice to Dr. Nicolosi’s work, and inadequately describes his analysis of what goes on and the therapeutic approach. The reader is referred to Nicolosi’s Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality.)

A cognitive/behavioral approach: The best analysis of this approach I have read was written by Dr. Jeff Robinson. (See link elsewhere on this blog.) In his analysis, he focuses on SSA as a by-product of years of contemplation, coupled with feelings of sensitivity, introspection, and perfectionism. His analysis tends to be somewhat pragmatic: one can hardly be expected to have OSA feelings if one is constantly entertaining SSA thoughts. Thus, much of what he recommends on the therapeutic side has to do with refocusing the thoughts, abandoning inappropriate behaviors, and accepting the fact that life is a growth process (some of which may be less than pleasant). (Again, the reader is referred to Dr. Robinson’s website for his own analysis.)

A growth-oriented approach: Alan Medinger focuses on a small segment of what reparative therapy tries to address; specifically, the need that SSA strugglers have to develop masculine qualities and characteristics that all men develop through the growth process. Growth is not an event. It is a process. In his book (Growth Into Manhood), Medinger points out that a loving heavenly Father will not do for us that which we need to learn to do for ourselves. We try to let our own children grow from their experiences. Wise parents realize that they cannot take the right to make mistakes from their children. Similarly, the SSA struggler discovers that part of the recovery process is learning what every man has to learn. There is no shortcut to learning to be an adult.

It appears to me that virtually every approach I have encountered has its roots in one of these three approaches. (I admit that I am no therapist, and there is probably a great deal more of good material available. But this is what I have learned so far.)

I find all three approaches to be powerful and persuasive. Each emphasizes a different aspect of the healing process: emotional detachment and isolation, behavioral and cognitive issues, and growth. It is interesting to note that none of them deals specifically with sexuality. None focuses specifically on a man’s sexual orientation. All try to help a man address his specific needs in the healing process, and to develop emotional stability and security, and positive and healthy relationships with other men and women.

I think it would be a serious mistake to believe that resolution of SSA issues can occur independently of spiritual healing. My experience at the AIM weekend described elsewhere illustrated this. It seems that much of what I have seen and heard described by those who struggle is related to feelings of self-doubt, low self esteem, or unjustified beliefs that one is somehow less worthy. In part, those feelings are present in every person’s life. Part of growth and spiritual development is coming to the understanding of who one is, as a son or daughter of God. (See Harold B. Lee, “Understanding Who We Are Brings Self-respect, Ensign, Jan. 1974, 2).

By the same token, however, I think it would also be a serious mistake to believe that the resolution of all SSA issues could miraculously occur in one spiritual event, never to be revisited. Medinger is quite specific on that point. By his own account he was healed of feelings of same sex attraction in a miraculous spiritual event, but then had a great deal still to learn. One former bishop expressed the same thought. He indicated that he had once believed that the struggler primarily needed to pray, read scriptures, and attend church, but that he had since learned that there was much, much more to be done.

In its own way, each of the approaches above focuses on an aspect of the healing process. I believe it is not a question of one being right and the others wrong. It is much more the case that each views the issue from a fresh perspective, and gives insight to a problem much larger than many of us (I, for one) understand. I believe that spiritual healing can be aided by the application of these ideas.

Some Interesting Conference Addresses

Reviewing old editions of conference talks, I have come upon some of my favorites. All are available at the church website. Look in the Gospel Library.

President Kimball Speaks Out on Morality, Ensign, Nov. 1980, 94

"Forgive Them, I Pray Thee", Vaughn J. Featherstone, Ensign, Nov. 1980, 29

Purify Our Minds and Spirits, H. Burke Peterson, Ensign, Nov. 1980, 37

When Two Ideas Get Married

One evening I sat talking with some men I know. As we talked, I had an interesting insight. The insight was that sometimes, in our minds, we get two or more ideas married together that really don't belong together. This certainly is not an exclusive tendency among men who struggle with SSA. I think that everyone does it.

As an example, I can remember that when I was a child, my mother would call us to lunch. When Mother said that lunch was ready, that meant it was time to sit down, pray, and begin eating. After I had been married for a long time (far longer than I should admit), I realized that when my wife said that we should have lunch, it meant that I should come and help her decide what to fix. For years I had assumed that when she said "let's have lunch" it meant that lunch was ready. For years she had assumed that "let's have lunch" meant "come and help me decide what to fix." I had married the idea that my wife's role was to fix lunch and call me when it was ready to her request that I come and help her decide what to fix. The two did not necessarily belong together.

In the realm of the struggle with SSA, the basic components are actually positive parts of life. In my simple analysis, it appears that there are two basics:

1. Every person has divinely inspired desires to marry and have children. Elder Packer, in an address years ago, made it very clear that these feelings come from our Father in Heaven. (Why Stay Morally Clean, Ensign, July 1972, 111; available at the Church Website)

2. Every person needs to have friends of the same gender, and needs the emotional support that comes from those relationships.

Both of these desires are good. Only when they are tied up together into one package do the SSA type problems arise. For example, I am lonely (a manifestion of #2 above); therefore, I need to act out my feelings of SSA (a distorted view of #1 above). Broken into their component parts, neither is, in and of itself, bad. Giving expression to feelings of sexual attraction within the bonds of marriage is not bad. Having male friends is not bad. Both are very positive parts of our experience and growth.

To my friends I suggested that they ought to look at what ideas they had married together in their minds. If the ideas are good but don't belong together, separating them can have a long-term positive effect.

What is the Difference?

One evening at the support group meeting we discussed friends and friendship. As the discussion progressed, the question was posed:

What is the difference between a healthy friendship between two men and a healthy, non-romantic friendship between a man and a woman?

After we had discussed it for a while, I came to the conclusion that the difference between the two is significant.

Women by nature are nurturing. The character of a man's non-romantic friendship with a woman could be characterized in this way: "You are a good person. I love you the way you are. It doesn't affect how I feel about you if that particular project didn't go that well."

Men by nature are providers, protectors, and conquerors. The character of a man's healthy friendship with another man could be characterized in this way: "You can do it. Go get 'em. You can achieve, succeed, and overcome."

Because the nature of the two friendships is so different, I believe that a man needs both male and female friends. If he is married, his wife should be his best female friend. That relationship appropriately must be replace all other serious relationships, and he must never compromise it. But a man also needs to relate to other men, and from them should be able to draw the emotional strength and encouragement to be found in a man-to-man relationship.

Why is it not surprising that every man should be a member of a priesthood quorum?

Adventure in Manhood Weekend

There follows one participant's description of Adventure in Manhood Weekend.

* * * * *

In late July, Floyd Godfrey, a family counselor and therapist in Mesa, called me. We have worked together for some time as I have become involved in Evergreen. A considerable part of his practice involves men who struggle with same sex attraction (SSA). He invited me to attend the Adventure in Manhood (AIM) Weekend, which he was organizing. I agreed to come. I also offered to teach an astronomy class, which he felt would be a good addition to the plans for the weekend.

The event was held at ZZZ Camp area, northeast of DDD, Arizona. I drove to DDD on Friday, August 8. I confess that I was excited with anticipation of this experience. I brought materials for the construction of star charts, which I expected to help the men make during Friday afternoon.

I arrived at the campground about 12:30 p.m., was introduced to those who were already there, and began setting up my camp. The camp was situated in a rather small area; most of the tents were set up a few feet from one another by the end of the day. Down a slight hill was the camp kitchen and meeting area.

Men continued to arrive during the afternoon. About 24 were in attendance. Each person who struggled with SSA was asked to bring a non-struggler to be his buddy during the weekend. Floyd had arranged for me to be buddy with LL, who was coming from Tucson for the weekend. As the day progressed, I met several of the men. Some seemed a little timid and unsure of themselves. Most of us were not clear on what was to occur these days, but most were anticipating a unique experience.

About mid-afternoon LL arrived with several others. We were introduced. I found him to be a friendly, delightful, and considerate person. We spent some time on a nature scavenger hunt, finding an object from nature which represented one of four emotions: sadness, joy, anger, or fear. I selected a branch from a bush. The branch included several berries, and seemed to be an appropriate symbol of joy. LL selected a dark colored rock covered with lichen. He told me it represented the sadness of his life: darkness, covered by a superficial exterior intended to hide the darkness from everyone who knew him.

In later afternoon my friend J arrived. We hugged and were glad to see one another.

Most of the men made their star charts that afternoon. I met them one by one. They were from diverse backgrounds: an orthodox Jew from New Jersey, a man from Winnipeg, a conservative Jew from Los Angeles, an Irishman from Napa, the son of my high school German teacher, a number of men from the Phoenix area. LL is from RRR, and is Greek Orthodox. Most were Latter-day Saints. LL later shared with me that he had met many Mormons at such events, because (as he put it) “they are the ones who want to get better.” Each man seemed to come seeking help with his healing. Some were frightened and shy. Some had been to many such events, and looked forward to the challenge with enthusiasm.


After dinner we began the programmed activities. The first was a trust-building exercise: a man was blind-folded and was verbally guided through a mock minefield by his buddy. Each time he touched a mine he was guided back to the beginning and they started over. On their fourth try his buddy was finally able to get him to the goal. They hugged to celebrate. LL then volunteered for us to be next: he was blind-folded, I was the guide. We made it through on the first attempt. Others followed. We came to trust one another more.

The second activity was a variation of “I am going on a trip.” “My name is _____ and I like _____.” The first few were easy, but as the game progressed we each had to remember more names and more likes. But the game put all of us on better terms, each knowing names and more details about the others.

Another activity followed. We gathered around the outer edge of a large rope laid out in a circle. A moderator read statements, and invited those who felt comfortable doing so to step into the circle if that statement applied to them. We began with easy items: if you wear glasses, step into this circle, etc. The statements progressed to much more difficult issues: those who had been divorced, those who had been molested or abused, those who had struggled with depression or pornography, or other problems. There were several purposes to the activity: to show that no one was the only one to struggle, to show that some struggles were not the exclusive domain of SSA strugglers, to help us all realize that everyone has difficulties to deal with. For me, the most powerful moment came when the statement was “I believe that spirituality is important to my healing.” Every man stepped into the circle.

We followed this with a discussion of fear, anger, sadness, and joy. Each man had opportunity to express himself, and we discussed ways to resolve such emotions.

The final event of the evening was the astronomy class. The moon was waxing and was just past three quarters, so the night was not spectacular for stars. However, the sky was still very good. I walked them through the basic summertime constellations that we could see. Many expressed appreciation.

After we had retired for the night, LL and I talked for several hours. He told me much about his life, his struggles with SSA, his detachment from his father, of his coming to America in search of help and healing, of his therapy, and of his faith. It became apparent to me that he was a man of great faith and spiritual commitment. He had devoted all of his effort to finding healing so that he could live a life that would be in conformity with the teachings of the scriptures. It was also apparent that the Lord had blessed him greatly, and that he had found what he had been seeking. He still works at it, but has made much progress.


On Saturday morning, we had several more activities, including a training session on the causes and treatment of SSA. Those activities were followed by a hike through the canyon, where we concluded with a rappelling activity. The cliff we were to scale did not look too high from the bottom. However, from the top it seemed very high. LL and I were some of the first ones down. My first trip down was uneventful. We went at the same time on our second try. LL lost his footing and came crashing into me. That left me no option but to go crashing into the cliff. Fortunately my wounds were minor. I reciprocated by losing my footing a little farther down and crashing into him.

One man was extremely fearful. He stood on the cliff for at least an hour, trying to decide what to do. The group below had a lot of discussion about how they might help and encourage him. No one complained about the wait — they only hoped that he would be able to make it.

Because of the delays at the rappelling activity, we arrived back at camp for lunch about 3 p.m. Morale was good. The men had had a good morning. We had been soaked on a downpour on the way back. But everyone seemed to be happy. When lunch was served, the men sat in small groups and talked. Everyone seemed to belong.

Because of my church commitments, I left the event late Saturday night and came home. When I left, I went through the camp and tried to tell each man goodbye. Each seemed to have grown to be a special friend. Although we had only known one another for less than 30 hours, we had grown close. I felt that each was a part of me.

Creating a Safe Environment II

I recently attended a seminar by Richard Cohen ("Healing Within"). In the course of the discussion, he talked about the need for a struggler to find a safe environment as a necessry precondition to the healing process.

Unfortunately, the world currently seems to be divided into two camps. One camp is horrified by the prospect of same sex marriage and is quick to ridicule anyone who is not equally horrified. Those in this group fail to understand the distinction between being "gay" and having feelings of same sex attraction. Lumping all into one category, they are quick to condemn to hell all who fall within the predefined category.

In the second group are those who preach tolerance, equity, and fairness, and advocate acceptance of and the legitimizing of "gay marriage".

One group rejects both sin and sinner; one group accepts both sin and sinner. Neither group realizes that there is a third group: those who have rejected the sin but still face the daily struggle of dealing with unwanted feelings of SSA.

Richard Cohen's point at the seminar was that all people, especially those who do not understand this issue (because it is not something they struggle with), need to differentiate sin and sinner, and recognize that a person who struggles with an intensely personal issue needs love, acceptance, and encouragement, not criticism.

I have personally been awed by the example of one man who works with strugglers, whose charity is broad enough to include both the struggler sincerely seeking for change and the man or woman who is openly gay. (He related once that his son's gay friends liked to visit their home, because they felt such love and acceptance there.)

In a church environment, much can be done to change the tenor of the atmosphere and "discussability" of SSA. What can be done includes:

1. Acknowledging publicly that SSA is a problem for some people, and that most of us know little about it.
2. Encouraging ward/quorum members not to make comments, even in jest, which deride or belittle those for whom this is an issue.
3. Inviting those who might have personal issues in this regard to speak privately with priesthood leaders about the issues.
4. Acknowledging that help is available for those who struggle.
5. Encouraging all to treat everyone with charity and kindness.

Until we create an environment in which people feel it is safe to discuss the issue, we can hardly expect that they will do so.

Creating a Safe Environment

In an effort to create an safe environment in which personal problems can be discussed, leaders in my ward placed the following announcement in the Sunday bulletin on a regular basis.


Welfare services are available to help resolve problems with the following:
1. Unemployment, employment upgrades, job counseling
2. Family counseling
3. Adoption services
4. Overcoming same sex attraction
5. Out-of-wedlock pregnancy
6. Substance abuse (drug and alcohol addiction)
7. Personal financial counseling and family budgeting
8. Mental health disorders (depression, anxiety, OCD, etc.)
9. Adult literacy (learning to read)
10. Home management skills (cooking, sewing, etc.)
11. Home storage, canning, and gardening
12. Ministering to those in prison
13. Education counseling
14. Death, disability, and illness
15. Grief and grieving
See the bishop, or Relief Society or quorum leaders for more information.

Some thoughts on priesthood quorums

"What I have said here is quite simple: Men thrive on relationships that are all male and are voluntary, where the men share beliefs and values, and where they like each other. There is in all men a desire to be better men, and men know instinctively that this kind of relationship provides a great environment for growth as men. Iron does sharpen iron, and healthy, growing men do challenge each other to be better men."
Alan Medinger, Growth into Manhood, pp. 112-113


I sat in a conference several months ago, listening to Alan Medinger speak about his experiences as executive director of Exodus--North America, and heard him describe how much men need to associate with other healthy men. As I sat there I had a moment of insight. Here was Medinger describing how men need to be together with other men, to work with them, to play softball together, to work and lift and haul and get dirty together in a productive exercise -- and describing what a healing influence it was for men who struggled with SSA. As he talked, I thought of an elders quorum taking a roof off a widow's house and reroofing it, of moving projects (of which there seem to be many in every ward), of church sports (sigh...I suppose I have to concede that there is actually divine purpose in church sports programs), of gritty, grimy work projects. And as I thought of all those things, I realized that the tools of healing that Medinger was describing are all around us. Every man who belongs to a priesthood quorum has a support network built into his life. The very things that Medinger described were the things that quorums do (or at least ought to do).

My friend Blaine often said, "The best kept secrets in the Church are hidden in the handbook."

My big moment of insight is really a duh -- men are placed in priesthood quorums for a reason. If a man will use the quorum as the Lord intended, he will likely discover what the Lord already knew.

How does one get more out of his priesthood quorum? Perhaps it is as simple as:

1. Sitting next to someone, starting a conversation, learning his name.
2. Volunteering for the next work project.
3. Learning the names of the people at the work project; calling people by name.
4. Having a private, serious discussion with the quorum president.

These things seem simple. But I suspect that they do more for us than we realize. Since my moment of insight, I have realized that I feel part of the quorum when I do them, and feel isolated and alone when I don't.

Hyperlinks

It took several months of blog reading before I realized that if I clicked on a highlighted text, I could immediately view whatever was referred to in the highlighted text. Thus, by clicking on this, you can see what this refers to.

My apologies to those who are not as technologically illiterate as I. But if we have the tools, it's nice to know how to use them.

Healing News Bulletin

I received the following email recently from Floyd Godfrey, a Mesa, Arizona therapist.

* * * * *

Healing News Bulletin
June '04

Dear Friend,

You may not be directly impacted by the "gay" movement, but as a therapist I receive a large number of calls regarding homosexual issues. Therapists, church leaders, families, individuals and youth seem to have a stronger need for correct information. Over the past four years, I have been involved with the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), developing techniques to heal those who struggle with this condition. Because there is an increasing demand, I decided to write a news bulletin to periodically disseminate helpful information about SSA (same-sex attraction). If you do NOT want to be on this list, please let me know. If you have friends, colleagues, family or church leaders you would like included on the list, please send their information. You can respond to this email or send a message through our website: www.healinghomosexuality.com.

Sincerely,

Floyd Godfrey, CPC
480-668-8301
floydgodfrey@qwest.net


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New Website: Our new website is dedicated to quality information about SSA. We have included support groups & organizations, workshop & conference dates, testimonials, and other useful info. Please look us up at www.healinghomosexuality.com

New Audiotape documents change: Last year we interviewed several men who went through therapy and experienced the change process. These were men who were once exclusively "homosexual" and now claim "heterosexuality" as a result of proper treatment. These tapes are an excellent resource as the men tell true stories of real change. For more information please visit us: www.healinghomosexuality.com

Sunday School Lesson available: A lesson outline has been developed for combined Priesthood/Relief Society lessons. It is also highly recommended for combined youth meetings or firesides. It is an excellent resource for church leaders to present correct information and establish open discussion formats. Most adults and youth do not disclose this struggle to their leaders because the issue is very taboo. This lesson outline helps to eliminate this obstacle and provide accurate, wholesome information. You are welcome to call my office for a free copy: 480-668-8301.

Experiential Weekend highly recommended: There is a wonderful opportunity for healing on June 11-13 in Chicago, IL and August 13-15 in Provo, UT with the "Journey Into Manhood" weekend. This experience is for adult men who are struggling with SSA, but committed to change. Although not considered therapy, the activities during the weekend are very therapeutic in nature. I highly recommend this weekend. For more information and registration: www.peoplecanchange.com

Legalized Same-Sex Marriage: Massachusetts recently legalized same-sex partnerships(www.cnn.com/2004/LAW/05/17/samesex.marriage.ap/). This has large ramifications for the nation. If a "gay" couple gets married in Massachusetts, they could then move to Arizona and their marriage would be lawfully recognized. Consequently, it will be necessary for Arizona to change its constitution to recognize only traditional marriage. There was a recent rally at the Arizona State Capitol in support of marriage between man and woman. Between 5,000-6,000 individuals attended the rally, composed of people from a variety of faiths and backgrounds. United Families International is highly involved in the legal lobby for traditional marriage. You can contact Sharon Slater if you're interested in helping: slater4families@aol.com

New Book for Parents: Dr. Joseph Nicolosi has written a fantastic new book for families who have youth struggling with SSA. It is called "A Parents Guide to Preventing Homosexuality." I highly recommend this book which can be purchased through Amazon.com (you won't find this at the bookstore).

Local Group gets church support: The Mesa Highland Stake recently created an Evergreen support group for adult men who struggle with SSA. The group is led by a church leader who does NOT struggle with this problem. They meet on a weekly basis to provide information, support, and hope to those who struggle. The group has received an enormous response, which includes individuals from different faiths. The stake is currently considering the formation of a similar group for the wives and family members of those who struggle. For more information on Evergreen east valley, call Jon 430-4510; or Evergreen Phoenix/Glendale, call Roger Jenkins 602-995-4235.

Treatment Group success: We currently have a men's intensive treatment group facilitated through my office. Individuals are screened before participation to assess appropriate placement. This is a safe environment to promote emotional healing of the deficits and wounds which produce SSA. For more information about this group or individual counseling, please contact me: Floyd Godfrey 480-668-8301.

Sources of Helpful Information

The following websites and sources are particularly helpful in understanding this issue:

Dr. Jeff Robinson's article "Homosexuality: What works and what doesn't work".


The bookstore at the Evergreen International website.


The Journey into Manhood Weekend has been highly recommended by men I know.

My recommended reading list includes:
Growth into Manhood by Alan Medinger (non-LDS, former struggler)
Homosexuality: Symptoms and Free Agency by Scott & Kae Andersen (he is an LDS therapist)
Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality by Joseph Nicolosi, PH.D.
Healing Homosexuality by Joseph Nicolosi

All of the above are available from the Evergreen bookstore. For someone just learning about the subject, the first two books listed are particularly helpful. Nicolosi is a therapist who did a great deal of developmental work in reparative therapy.