The Greatest of These Is Charity

The current controversy regarding same-sex marriage is troubling. Some assert that same-sex marriages or civil unions ought to be both legal and accepted. Others argue that the traditional family and traditional marriage ought to be maintained. Feelings are deep. Both sides feel that their position is right. This controversy receives much publicity.

I confess that, until recently, my opinions were not well-founded. I likely made many thoughtless or inane comments, well-meaning but nevertheless thoughtless and inane. Most of what I knew about the subject of same sex attraction I had learned from reading the newspaper (not a good source for information) and an occasional article. I also knew what the scriptures teach and what Church leaders have taught.

I make no apology for what the scriptures teach and for what Church leaders have taught. I believe it to be the truth. I believe that homosexual acts are sinful. I also believe that adultery, fornication, viewing pornography, and other sexual aberrations are sinful. The law of chastity, as taught by the Church, is easy to understand: the only appropriate expression of sexual feelings is between a man and woman who are legally married.

Although I understood these things, there were many things I did not understand. I did not understand where such feelings come from. I did not understand how any such thing could be consistent with the Plan of our Father in Heaven. I could not reconcile the common assertion that some people are born “gay” with the teachings of the gospel. I did not understand that there is a difference between having feelings of same sex attraction and being “gay”.

In the last few years I have learned a lot. Ten years from now I hope to be able to look back and realize I have learned even more. What I have learned has changed my outlook on this subject considerably. I have learned that too much of this controversy forgets one very important fact: the people involved are all sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father.

Those who self-righteously condemn ought to remember the words of the Prophet:

“…being of very tender years, and persecuted by those who ought to have been my friends and to have treated me kindly, and if they supposed me to be deluded to have endeavored in a proper and affectionate manner to have reclaimed me…” (Pearl of Great Price | JS-History 1:28)

“And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.” (1 Corinthians 13:13)

For reasons not well understood, some people have feelings of sexual attraction towards others of the same gender. Some have estimated that 1-3% of Church members fall into this group. Often (perhaps most of the time), people who have these feelings cannot account for the source of these feelings. They cannot wish them away. They often feel shame and guilt and despair, because of the great discrepancy between the teachings of the Church and their own, most personal feelings.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks taught that the “words homosexual, lesbian, and gay are adjectives used to describe particular thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. We should refrain from using these words as nouns to identify particular conditions or specific persons. Our religious doctrine dictates this usage. It is wrong to use these words to denote a condition. Such usage implies that a person is consigned by birth to a circumstance in which he or she has no choice, with respect to the critically important matter of sexual behavior.” (See Dallin H. Oaks, “Same-Gender Attraction”, Ensign, October 1995, pp. 7-10)

The position of the Church in this matter is very clear. The prophets have taught, and continue to teach, that the only appropriate expression of sexual feelings is between a man and woman who are lawfully married.

It is true that the teachings of the Church in this matter are very clear. It is also true that for those who struggle with this issue, the feelings they have are very real.

Culturally, we have difficulty discussing this subject. Few of us know much about it. Some are prone to cover their ignorance with thoughtless comments, sometimes made in jest, which make light of the seriousness of the struggle. Some are equally vocal in condemning all who have these feelings, without regard to whether the strugglers act upon those feelings. These comments are hurtful to those who struggle with the problem, and confirm to them that the people around them do not understand their challenges and do not accept or love them.

What can a person do? The following suggestions come to mind:

1. Recognize that there is a difference between having feelings of same sex attraction and being “gay” or “lesbian”. A person may have inappropriate feelings of attraction and still be a good member of the Church. Only when a person decides to act out those feelings or adopt a lifestyle commonly referred to as “gay” or “lesbian” does that person’s conduct become sinful. Acting out such feelings is very similar to acting in response to other temptations: to view pornography, to be unfaithful to marriage vows, or to commit other moral transgressions.


2. Recognize that for those who struggle with this problem, the struggle is very real. All of us struggle with problems. We appreciate those who accept and encourage and love us, far more than those who criticize and belittle us. For the person who struggles with this problem, because the struggle is so personal and so fundamental to individual identity, he or she is reluctant to share that struggle with most people. Only when he or she feels that you can be trusted with this most personal information will there be a chance that you will be asked for help or support.

3. Cease making light of this issue. Refrain from making belittling comments regarding those who have these feelings, including those who have chosen to act upon them. Ask those who make such comments, even in jest, to refrain from doing so. Pray for charity and love for all, including those for whom this is a problem and those who choose to act upon those feelings.

4. Strive to make your ward, your quorum, your Relief Society, a safe and secure place. A person who struggles with this issue needs to feel that he or she belongs, that the Church is a place of love and support, that those who surround him/her can be trusted. We must never compromise our standards and our adherence to the law of chastity. We must also never be guilty of belittling or jesting or making fun of those for whom this is a serious matter.