When I first began learning about the issue of how to help people deal with unwanted feelings of same sex attraction, I did a lot of research. I found a number of helpful materials, which I summarized in the following outline.
This material was written to help local Church leaders understand some of the issues.
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The following information has been prepared to assist priesthood leaders in understanding Same Gender Attraction (SGA), to provide an overview of a clinical explanation of this condition, and to discuss matters of significance to priesthood leaders and parents.
Same Gender Attraction (SGA), also commonly called Same Sex Attraction or homosexuality, is a widely misunderstood subject. In reviewing the subject, one discovers that there is considerable misinformation available; that as a discussion topic, this is a subject that is culturally taboo (unfortunately); that sensitive people are concerned about the subject but don’t generally know where to turn for information; that the problem is more common in the Church than we are aware; that most of what a person reads in the press is biased and inaccurate; and that (for a person who struggles with unwanted feelings of same gender attraction) help and healing are available.
The most definitive position taken by the Church on this issue was written by Elder Oaks and published in the Ensign (“Same Gender Attraction”, Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, October 1995, page 7) (http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1995).
Other informative materials include the following:
1. The website of Evergreen International (www.evergreen-intl.org)
2. Homosexuality: Symptoms & Free Agency by Scott and Kae Andersen (Scott Andersen is an LDS therapist)
3. Growth into Manhood by Alan Medinger
4. Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi
5. Dr. Jeff Robinson’s website (www.theguardrail.com)
Evergreen International is a non-profit organization founded by Latter-day Saints for the purpose of providing educational materials and support to those who struggle with SGA, therapists, and friends and family of those who struggle. Evergreen’s Board of Trustees includes 2 general authorities (H. Burke Petersen and Jack Goaslind) and Dr. Shirley Cox, who is also on the board of LDS Family Services. The Evergreen website includes an on-line bookstore where many helpful materials may be purchased.
In reading or discussing this subject, one may encounter references to being “gay” or “lesbian”, being homosexual (a term properly used to describe actions and feelings, rather than people), and having feelings of same-gender attraction. For purposes of this analysis, a person can experience feelings of same-gender attraction without being gay or lesbian. Being gay or lesbian is a choice; having feelings of same-gender attraction can be a very real, although unwanted, experience. When a person acts upon those feelings, he/she is acting out those homosexual feelings.
There seem to be several myths that many harbor regarding this subject:
1. Myth: Same gender attraction is genetic or biological. Nothing can be done about it.
Fact: There is no good science which supports this claim.
2. Myth: Same gender attraction is a choice.
Fact: People who struggle with same gender attraction did not choose those feelings. SGA seems to have its roots in developmental problems that occur early in life and are not well understood. However, in the last 10 years much progress has been made in our understanding of both the causes and the treatment.
3. Myth: The solution to the problem is to keep people with SGA away from people of their own gender.
Fact: This is actually the opposite of what is needed for healing. It appears that part of the healing process includes the development of healthy relationships with others of the same gender.
SGA seems to be an emotional/psychological disorder which has a predictable progression. It affects both men and women, although men seem to outnumber women by 2 or 3 to 1. The incidence in the Church appears to be about 1-3% percent (at least 5-7 people in a ward). Many of those who struggle have temple marriages; a spouse and children are also affected. Many who struggle do not know where to turn for help, and they feel surrounded by people with whom they could not trust or share this struggle. Some have never felt confident enough to share their struggle with anyone. They live in fear and shame and uncertainty. They do not want the feelings they have, but they do not know how to get help and do not trust anyone enough to be able to ask for help.
What is the underlying basis for this issue? There seems to be evidence (although not all professionals agree on all counts) that it progresses like this (for purposes of this discussion, I will refer to a young boy; however, the same analysis may also apply to a young girl):
1. A young boy is predisposed to be sensitive, shy, timid, introspective, or some other quality which may put him at risk.
2. Early in life he experiences a detachment from his parent of the same gender. This detachment may result from abuse, the absence of the parent, the parent being gone a great deal of the time, or some other cause. The child detaches from the parent in part as a defensive mechanism to avoid the hurt caused by the abuse, absence, or other cause. Although the child detaches emotionally from the parent, he still has an emotional need to bond with the parent. This need remains unmet.
3. As the boy grows, he begins to experience feelings of male rejection: feelings of loneliness, being teased, not being part of the group, not fitting in with the boys. His emotional need to have a male role model (#2) is now aggravated by his emotional need to be accepted by his peers.
4. He experiences feelings of male inadequacy. He avoids male activities, he feels inadequate, he doesn’t know how to participate well, he is always the last one chosen, he doesn’t know how to act. His emotional need to belong to his peer group is now aggravated by his inability to fit in.
5. He develops a mental preoccupation with the same gender. He thinks often about other boys: envy, jealousy, day-dreaming. He wants to belong, to be accepted, to be adequate, to be part of the group. (All of these are real emotional needs which are unmet.)
6. As puberty begins, he begins to experience sexual feelings. His unmet emotional needs are mixed up with the physical changes in his body. His longing for male attachment is sexualized.
7. If he begins acting upon those feelings, his behaviors reinforce his preoccupation with those of his same gender. He may think that he is gay.
It should be noted that not all of the above factors need be present in the development of this problem; further, the presence of one or more of those factors does not automatically lead to the development of this problem.
Reparative therapy suggests that if the patient’s unmet emotional needs are met and the patient abandons the acting out of his sexual feelings, he can experience healing and change. In other words, treating feelings of same gender attraction is a process of finding healing for unmet emotional needs: the need to have same gender friends, to feel adequate in one’s gender role, to be able to do the things that a man does. One therapist with whom I have spoken has expressed the belief that every client who will pursue reparative therapy can experience a shift in sexual orientation, and that the problem lies only in the client’s unwillingness to pursue that path.
Those who struggle with this issue may find that help is required from several sources:
1. Spiritual help from a caring bishop, who can help with confession, repentance, and accountability.
2. Therapeutic help from a qualified professional counselor or group therapy.
3. Relational help from a support group, mentors, and friends and family.
4. Informational help from personal study and reading.
Priesthood leaders should work with individuals to assist them in finding the support and help that they need. Priesthood leaders and parents should help those who struggle to understand that the Savior’s help is central to the healing process.
What does all this have to do with us and our families? If nothing else, it reinforces a number of things we have been taught all our lives but have not fully understood. All of the answers are in the gospel, even when we don’t realize fully why they are there.
1. Parents have a great responsibility to be close to their children. Children learn their gender roles from their parents. They need a close emotional bond to both parents.
2. Primary, Young Women classes, and priesthood quorums (particularly the YM and YW groups) are an essential part of a child’s emotional development. They provide a safe haven peer group where a child can gain confidence about his/her gender role.
3. Adult priesthood quorums and Relief Society continue to provide that safe haven for adults.
4. Friends are an important part of our emotional health.
5. If a person struggles with unwanted feelings of SGA, there is much healing to be found in the priesthood quorum or Relief Society.
6. When the priesthood quorum or Relief Society fails to function as it should, the emotional damage that can be inflicted is substantial. The healing that could be there is replaced with feelings of doubt, fear, and anxiety.
7. The priesthood quorums and auxiliaries can help prevent the problems which may occur in the life of a young man or woman who would otherwise be at risk.
8. Parents need to discuss human sexuality with their children. There are appropriate ages and situations for these discussions. Human reproduction is a part of our lives. It is best discussed in the home. It is a subject that is difficult to discuss. The feelings that it concerns are powerful. Unless a child (or an adult) feels that the topic may be discussed openly, incorrect ideas and feelings may cause considerable emotional damage.
9. In each ward are several people who struggle. They need close friends. They need to feel their friendships are a safe haven. Only then will they be able to get the help that they need.
10. Priesthood leaders and parents should speak out against and teach that the making of belittling remarks and comments, even in jest, about this subject is destructive and hurtful to those who struggle with this issue.
11. Women who struggle with this issue may require additional support and help from Relief Society leaders. Sometimes their issues include having a mistrust of men (including priesthood leaders), and they may find it difficult to counsel with their bishop or seek help from him because of this mistrust.
12. Because of how society views this subject, children will learn about it. The question to be answered is whether they will learn about it at home, at Church, or at school.
