Friendships

I am reminded of a discussion I had months ago. I spoke with a man regarding SSA issues. He had read much about reparative therapy, and understood the principles. As we talked he described how he made regular efforts to build healthy friendships with other men, to get outside of himself, and to apply what he had learned. From our discussion, it seemed that he had made significant growth, and that his level of attractions had decreased.

This seems to be a recurring theme. As I talk with men, they indicate that the level of inappropriate attraction to other men decreases when they have healthy interaction with other men. (I recently spoke with a man who knew very little about reparative therapy, and he told me the same thing.)

I believe that we all have need to have social interaction. I am self-employed. At certain times of the year, I spend a lot of days in a row working alone at my office. After a few days, I am ready for a change: for some human interaction. We are trying to fool ourselves if we believe that we can maintain a healthy perspective on life while not interacting with other people.

The quality of our lives depends upon the love we have for others, and the love we feel from them.

Learning to Love

I had a dream about helping those who struggle with SSA. After a fair amount of effort (as always seems to be the case in a dream) I woke up, but felt impressed by the ideas that had been washing over my mind. I wrote down three ideas. Those ideas, and some commentary follow.

1. Accept
Accept the fact that this is a struggle you must face. Acceptance does not imply submission to temptation. Rather, it is an acknowledgement of the problems to be addressed.
2. A man must work to develop deep and satisfying relationships with all of the men around him.
All of us are surrounded by others. All of us struggle with feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, loneliness, discouragement. But at times we ignore the very opportunities that surround us, hoping instead for other opportunities. At one time I heard Dr. Jeffrey Robinson point out that we are surrounded by sources of love and support, but we discount those sources and keep looking for some other source. Each of us, no matter what the struggle, should recognize that we are surrounded by those who may be the answer to our prayers, if only we would cease discounting that possibility.
3. Learn to give love.
With SSA, the problem sometimes seems to be a detachment and emptiness -- as it were, an inability to receive love, or the sense that no love is offered to receive. Perhaps, though, the issue is not in receiving, but in giving. It is in giving love that we learn to receive it, and our ability to experience joy is very much related to our capacity to love others.

In regard to the third point above, Elder Groberg spoke on this subject at the October, 2004 general conference.
http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,49-1-479-3,00.html
He observed that our joy now and hereafter is inextricably tied to our ability to love others.

At times it seems as though the love offered by others is superficial or even artificial. The question is whether that is actually the case, or whether we have that feeling because what we offer is superficial or artificial. In my own case, I suspect that the latter is true as often as the former.

Ultimately, what each of us seeks is the unconditional love and acceptance and forgiveness that can come only from the Lord. My experience is that that is very real. We will never experience it fully in our relationships to others, though we may have very satisfying and fulfilling relationships. It is important not to lose sight of what comes from where, and how it comes. The tremendous emptiness we might feel can only be filled in our relationship to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They offer us unconditional love and forgiveness through the atonement. To look for that experience elsewhere is to look in vain. But we learn to recognize and feel that love, as we give and receive unconditional love and forgiveness to and from others. Our interactions with one another become a springboard, as it were, that teach us to love our Father and our Redeemer.

Conference Notes

In the October, 2004 conference, Elder Perry again discussed in detail the role which a priesthood quorum should play in the life of a man. Although he discussed this subject just six months ago, he felt to repeat it again.

I see considerable overlap between what he taught, and what reparative therapy suggests is important in overcoming feelings of SSA.

Link here to read his address:
http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,49-1-479-8,00.html

Teaching about SSA in a Church Setting

In a recent discussion, the question was how to teach youth (specifically young women) about SSA, and how to protect youth from inappropriate activity.

The following outline was suggested.

What Young Women Leaders Should Teach Young Women

1. The law of chastity
All expression of sexual feelings outside of marriage is wrong (whether heterosexual or homosexual).
Expression of those feelings in marriage should be an expression of love and kindness.
To be victimized is not sinful. A victim can ask for and receive help.

2. Some people have unwanted feelings of same sex attraction.
To believe that people are born that way is inconsistent with gospel teachings.
One need not experiment to determine if he/she is "gay".
The feelings that these people have are very real.
The feelings are often associated with other psychological, developmental, or emotional problems.
Help is available, but a person must be willing to ask for help.
Change is possible.

3. As church members, we need to treat those who struggle with temptation with compassion and love.
We should love the sinner, although we denounce the sin.
We need to be sure that those who struggle feel that the church is a safe place, a place where they can go to receive help and support.
Those who struggle will not ask for help if they fear ridicule or rejection.
To be tempted is not the same as to be sinful.

4. Youth are frequently placed in situations where they must shun temptation.
They need to be taught how to recognize temptation and what to do when faced with it.

Healing News Bulletin

I received the following:

* * * * * * *

Healing News Bulletin
October '04


Adventure In Manhood: This experiential weekend was created for men and youth who are working through SSA recovery issues. Outdoor adventure-activities are set within a therapeutic atmosphere. The next adventure is scheduled for November 5-7, 2004. For more information go to: www.geocities.com/adventureinmanhood
Anchor Newsletter: This is a wonderful new publication for those who are Christian and have an interest in SSA issues. Articles are varied and very informational. You can be added to an electronic or regular mailing list. For more information: kenhill@anchorhelp.com
National Video: Schools, colleges and churches all over the country will be showing a new video that documents transformation in the lives of people who have gone from gay identified to straight during the weekend of October 8-11. Called "I Do Exist," the film features narratives of those who have changed as well as expert commentary from Dr. Robert Spitzer, Dr. Mark Yarhouse and Dr. Warren Throckmorton. For more information: http://www.emediawire.com/releases/2004/9/emw159361.htm
Parent Classes: Richard Cohen from the International Healing Foundation will be starting a new round of Teleconferecing classes for parents. These begin in October. For more information and to register: www.comingoutstraight.com or call (301) 805-5155.
PFOX Conference: Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays will hold it's annual conference Oct 8-10. There will be excellent speakers. Lots to learn and wonderful people to meet. Please let others know about this important event and plan to attend! For more information: www.pfox.org
NARTH Conference: The National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality will host a national conference Nov 12-14, 2004 in Washington DC. They will share most recent information on therapeutic interventions, research, and other useful information for those interested in the scientific aspects to SSA. For more information: 818-789-4440 or www.narth.com
Teens who Struggle: A wonderful new website for information that will assist teenagers struggling with their sexual identity. www.freetobeme.com
Public Billboard: A public billboard has been posted on Highway I-64 exclaiming that "Ex-gays Prove Change is Possible." The marketing is being sponsored by PFOX. For more information: http://exodus.blogs.com/synopsis/2004/09/pfox_billboard__1.html
Spain approves Gay Marriage: Spain's government will approve gay marriage at an October 1 cabinet meeting, a party leader says, putting into action a plan that has enraged church leaders in this traditionally Catholic country. "The cabinet...is going to approve the change to the civil code so that people of the same sex can marry. Why are we doing this? Because people have to be in charge of their own destiny," Jose Blanco, a leading member of the Socialist party told a rally in the northwestern region of Galicia on Sunday. For more information: http://asia.news.yahoo.com/040919/3/1ohvq.html
Louisiana approves Marriage Ammendment: Louisiana voters overwhelmingly approved a state constitutional amendment Saturday banning same-sex marriages and civil unions, one of up to 12 such measures on the ballot around the country this year. For more information: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/news/archive/2004/09/18/national2324EDT0649.DTL

You may not be directly impacted by the "gay" movement, but as a therapist I receive a large number of calls regarding homosexual issues. Therapists, church leaders, families, individuals and youth seem to have a stronger need for correct information. Over the past four years, I have been involved with the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), developing techniques to heal those who struggle with this condition. Because there is an increasing demand, I decided to write a news bulletin to periodically disseminate helpful information about SSA (same-sex attraction). If you do NOT want to be on this list, please let me know. If you have friends, colleagues, family or church leaders you would like included on the list, please send their information. You can respond to this email or send a message through our website: www.healinghomosexuality.com.

Sincerely,

Floyd Godfrey, LPC
480-668-8301
floydgodfrey@hotmail.net